I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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