I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
