I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
