im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
