Do you still have your period?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
