my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
