she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize