you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize