I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
