Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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