i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
