I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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