life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
