New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
