my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
