so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
