I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you inspire me to be a worse person
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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