Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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