How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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