i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
