walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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