yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
