he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
