I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
