Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
