Pappa wants mamma naked
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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