i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
