I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
