It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
