Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
be right there i have to get my cape
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize