he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
