Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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