They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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