but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
