Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
