Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
