why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
