I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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