He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize