Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
