i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize