She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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