i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
