God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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