I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
