I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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