I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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