I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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