I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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