I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize