There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
