If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
