imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
