i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
we're so committed to being not committed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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