did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
