Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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