I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize