chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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