Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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