just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
